Lent, 40 days of failing.

For those of you who know me personally, you know that I am not a deeply religious person. I don't celebrate (or partake, or follow the rules of) lent. I eat meat on Fridays, I eat chocolate, and I usually don't give up anything. Then by the time Easter rolls around, I've already stuffed my face with hard boiled eggs and gained five pounds. Luckily, I won't be gaining five pounds this year because I have proven some level of self control so far. But a decision I did make this year was to DO, not deny, for 40 days. I mainly wanted to write and run.

Well. I would like to let you know that on this second day of lent, I have already begun paving the road of failure. I'm not following the yellow brick road, I'm not passing go, and even though I'd really like $200, I haven't gotten it yet!

My goal was to deny myself of the ability to hit my snooze button, get my butt out of bed, and run with Hank to and from the dog park. I haven't done that now for two days in a row. The first two days! Ergh! I did make up for it yesterday when I went for a sunset jog. When I measured my route using Google Earth, I found out that by running around my block twice, I actually go a mile. I felt slightly accomplished but I didn't repeat my sunset jog tonight, so the accomplishment high I had yesterday has plummeted.

And then I was hoping to write and draw in my art journal every day. I didn't write in my blog yesterday and I didn't art journal yesterday. Instead, I wrote some boring emails at work and had a one sentence status update on Facebook. Oh! And I sent a couple text messages. Maybe I shouldn't have a set a goal. Maybe I should have just thrown my hands up and said, "For Lent, I'm going to pretend to do things!" Reverse self psychology.

And now for something completely different. Tonight after work I ordered myself Pho (oh the deliciousness!) and the restaurant happens to be right next door to a gym. I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as a lady who was just walking into the gym. By the time I walked out of restaurant, she was leaving the gym. As she got into her car, she made eye contact with me and said, "All I can do is walk in the door. I can't force myself to do anymore than that. Skinny people like you don't understand." She left before I could respond but I felt horrible that she even thought I was judging her. I haven't been called skinny in a long time but I haven't been called fat (to my face) in a long time either.

I know the feeling that she was talking about though. I've walked into places and immediately felt uncomfortable but that's usually how I feel walking into a clothing store. And it's actually one of the reasons I don't like doing to the gym. There are so many people who show up to the gym wearing a ton of makeup or just the "right" muscle shirt that it makes it uncomfortable for people like myself or this nameless woman I met in the parking lot. I hope I see her again one day and have the chance to help her past the front lobby of the gym.