Six weeks down, four more to go!

Sitting here by the fire, sipping decaf Chai Tea, watching the tail end of the Daytona 500 and looking for some writing inspiration. I haven't had too much inspiration lately basically because I'd just be repeating myself and that's kind of boring. So rattle, rattle, rattle. Repeat, repeat, repeat. And.... go!

I finally complained to the program director about my issues with our trainer. I am so happy that I wasn't the first one to complain because that means I'm not the only one who had problems. Occasionally I find that I'm having major problems with something or someone but I'm alone in my thinking and no one else cares. I was leery about even mentioning my issues but it finally just bubbled over. I was mentally and physically to the point where I almost wanted to give up and stop going to workouts. 60 miles round trip is not worth the effort if you have a crappy trainer. Much to my surprise and delight, something was actually done about the issue and tonight's class (with our scheduled trainer) was AWESOME. Not only was everyone is great spirits but we did a workout that actually felt like a workout. Granted, I won't be able to feel or use my arms tomorrow but we'll discuss that tomorrow.

Something happened during our workout today that was a huge revelation. Not to mention it was almost hugely revealing. We were doing jumping jacks and my pants practically fell to the floor. I was able to save the lives and eyesight of many people tonight by using my newly discovered spiderman reflexes to catch my pants before it was revealed that my underwear was falling down too. Seriously. My pants AND my underwear. I mean, when did that happen? When did I lose enough weight for something like that to happen? How did I not notice this before? I mean, I knew having my cell phone in my pocket was causing some issues while running but I didn't have a cell phone in my pocket tonight. Obviously, I need new (AND SMALLER) pants. There is a happy dance happening right now and you just can't see it!

So as I was thinking about my near catastrophic pants incident, I realized that my jeans fit differently also. Remember that shopping trip I took with my mom at the beginning of February? I bought new jeans, was amazed that they fit me in the dressing room, screamed blasphemy, etc? Well those pants are loose on me now. You know how your jeans fit when they come right out of the dryer? A couple months ago, my jeans came out of the dryer and didn't fit right until I did a few squats, walked a few laps around the kitchen island, and drove to work. Now, I pull my jeans out of the dryer and they are instantly my comfy jeans. Still flattering but not difficult to get on. Even better, I can pull them down without unbuttoning them. Ha! Take that Mr. Dryer!

I've suddenly come to the conclusion that my trainer has always been right. The number on the scale means nothing. I didn't have to do squats to make my freshly cleaned jeans fit better, I ran a 9 minute mile this last weekend, and even though I've eaten sorbet every night for the past week, it hasn't ruined anything. Ha! Take that you mean scale!

That's right!

Lent, 40 days of failing.

For those of you who know me personally, you know that I am not a deeply religious person. I don't celebrate (or partake, or follow the rules of) lent. I eat meat on Fridays, I eat chocolate, and I usually don't give up anything. Then by the time Easter rolls around, I've already stuffed my face with hard boiled eggs and gained five pounds. Luckily, I won't be gaining five pounds this year because I have proven some level of self control so far. But a decision I did make this year was to DO, not deny, for 40 days. I mainly wanted to write and run.

Well. I would like to let you know that on this second day of lent, I have already begun paving the road of failure. I'm not following the yellow brick road, I'm not passing go, and even though I'd really like $200, I haven't gotten it yet!

My goal was to deny myself of the ability to hit my snooze button, get my butt out of bed, and run with Hank to and from the dog park. I haven't done that now for two days in a row. The first two days! Ergh! I did make up for it yesterday when I went for a sunset jog. When I measured my route using Google Earth, I found out that by running around my block twice, I actually go a mile. I felt slightly accomplished but I didn't repeat my sunset jog tonight, so the accomplishment high I had yesterday has plummeted.

And then I was hoping to write and draw in my art journal every day. I didn't write in my blog yesterday and I didn't art journal yesterday. Instead, I wrote some boring emails at work and had a one sentence status update on Facebook. Oh! And I sent a couple text messages. Maybe I shouldn't have a set a goal. Maybe I should have just thrown my hands up and said, "For Lent, I'm going to pretend to do things!" Reverse self psychology.

And now for something completely different. Tonight after work I ordered myself Pho (oh the deliciousness!) and the restaurant happens to be right next door to a gym. I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as a lady who was just walking into the gym. By the time I walked out of restaurant, she was leaving the gym. As she got into her car, she made eye contact with me and said, "All I can do is walk in the door. I can't force myself to do anymore than that. Skinny people like you don't understand." She left before I could respond but I felt horrible that she even thought I was judging her. I haven't been called skinny in a long time but I haven't been called fat (to my face) in a long time either.

I know the feeling that she was talking about though. I've walked into places and immediately felt uncomfortable but that's usually how I feel walking into a clothing store. And it's actually one of the reasons I don't like doing to the gym. There are so many people who show up to the gym wearing a ton of makeup or just the "right" muscle shirt that it makes it uncomfortable for people like myself or this nameless woman I met in the parking lot. I hope I see her again one day and have the chance to help her past the front lobby of the gym.

Oh what I would do for an Olive Garden Breadstick.

I just got home from workouts, had some Ciao Bella Mango Sorbet, and am currently sulking because of a massive craving for Stuffed Mushrooms, Seafood Brodetto and Breadstickssssss from Olive Garden. Notice the emphasis on the "S" at the end of the word breadstick, it means that I desire more than one of these horribly wonderful creations. Oh Olive Garden, how you tempt me. For now, I will have to settle for the Mango Sorbet.

Since I was sick on Thursday, I skipped workouts and I had no idea what the ramifications of said action would be until about 6:30 this evening. I did not want to go. I literally dragged my feet out the door but I made it. Turns out, I'm not the only one at class who almost didn't show up. Two ladies both pulled in to parking spots and pulled out almost immediately. One of them came back. In the long run it's worth it but in the short term, it was so not worth it. I just feel so drained and unmotivated to continue on for the final month of this program. It's not the eating plan I'm struggling with, it's the exercise part. Like I said last week, the trainer is just energy draining. He is self absorbed to the max and spends a TON of time text messaging while we're all busting our asses doing burpies and whatever other tortures he can mix up for us. It's beyond frustrating and it makes me rethink driving 60 miles round trip three times a week. I've recently discovered that the County Library loans out workout DVDs and those are looking really appealing right now. Not to mention, they are free. (Obviously, I paid for this program I'm doing and I'm not going to quit when I'm so close to being done.)

My weight loss is currently at about 15 pounds, plus or minus a pound or so. My (mental) problem continues to be that I'm officially weighing in at night for the program but my morning weigh ins are so much more.... satisfying? Accomplished? Meaningful? Truthful? Wonderful? Stupendous? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Regardless of the number, I realized that I've lost inches everywhere, my clothes are looser, I've developed better eating habits and I am definitely more fit. There are positives to every situation but I really, really, really want the scale to be nicer to me. I need it to be nicer.

Since I seem to be thinking about food a lot today, I want to mention that baked cilantro with lemon juice, lime juice, and pepper is amazing. I had baked salmon the other day on a bed of cilantro and asparagus and it was the best meal I've had in a long time. I also made tortilla chips using the citrus and cilantro and they were YUMMY. Tonight's dinner was almost as good as the salmon. Rotini Pasta with green beans, carrots, cilantro, basil, pistachios, and a little bit of marinara sauce.

Starting on Wednesday, I'm going to participate in a couple of 40 day challenges in honor of lent. Rather than keeping myself from doing something or denying myself a delicacy (which I'm already doing by the way, see the breadsticksssss comments above), I'm going to push myself to DO things. 40 days of writing, 40 days of running, and 40 days of art journaling. Maybe I'll come up with something amazing during my 40 days of doing....

A day to remember...

A year ago, the world lost a wonderful man named Dan Ryan and he just happened to be my grandpa, my Bapa. In the wake of his sudden passing, I dealt with my grief by writing letters to him because it was all I was able to do. I decided that instead of writing about my weight loss and fitness today, I would share my latest letter.

Dear Bapa,

            It’s been a year since that awful Saturday morning and I still feel like we just lost you. This year has been filled with so many firsts and what makes it worse is that we were never aware that we missed the opportunity to make the most of our lasts. First set of Holidays, Birthdays, and Anniversaries without you. It was the first time that you didn’t get your Christmas present a week in advance only so that you could play with it enough to amaze us with your tech skills on Christmas Eve. The first time I’ve sent a happy news email without sending it to you as well. Of course, it wasn’t for lack of trying since your email address ended up in the “send to” area before I could consciously remember that you wouldn’t ever get a chance to read it. I was just wishing that I could get an email response signed, “Enjoy your life together”.

            Sometimes when the weather isn’t seasonal, I imagine that you are sending us a gift. Warmth on a foggy day, rain to wash away our tears, a cool breeze on an otherwise unrelenting summer day, or a beautiful sunrise that breaks away the clouds. I was once told that God is everywhere and in everything. Forget God, you are there in everything. You are in every note of music and in every creative thought. You are there when I let myself beg for a miracle from heaven, it makes more sense to ask you than to ask God himself. You are there when I drift between being awake and being in a beautiful dream.

            It would sound strange to anyone else, but sometimes I think I see Tucker in Hank’s eyes. In his devotion, in his apparent love for everyone, and in his demeanor all I can see is Tucker. I hope that someday, I see you in someone else like the way you silently flicked your shirt when you were upset and the particular spark in your eye when you were talking about something you were passionate about. I know each of us carries parts of you within ourselves whether it is in personality or appearance. I can’t remember a time that I’ve ever backed down when I believe in something and that is a trait that I know has been passed down through all of us by you. I’ve felt a nagging lately that there is something out there meant for me to overcome and to fight for and I know when it materializes, that your touch will be all over it and maybe the sound of a trumpet will be hanging in the air.

            I know that you’ve never left us in spirit but not having you here in body is one of the hardest things we’ve faced as a family. It hasn’t been and never will be the same facing life without you there but with you in Heaven, I can certainly say it is truly a wonderful, wonderful world.

For the record: I like the lemonade part and it's not Snapple Half & Half, it's ARNOLD PALMER.

For my four faithful followers and anyone else who reads my blog, sorry I've been ignoring it the past few days. After Tuesday, my week completely went down the drain. Wednesday and Thursday, I left work early due to a weird (and non pregnancy related) sickness that completely knocked me out. I was feeling so gross that I missed my Thursday workout. I must have really looked sick because my boss actually let me leave early. Nothing exciting happened as I spent a lot of time on the couch reading, thinking about eating but not actually eating, and getting consoled by the dog.

Don't worry. Be happy.

It's funny how many people assume that my sickness is caused by pregnancy and then blame my new, nutritionist guided diet or my trainer guided workout routine. No, those things are getting me healthy not making me sick. I got sick because people get sick. But my "fat Melanie voice" says there may be some truth to getting sick because of the new diet because I ate a brownie yesterday, got a sugar rush, and felt 100 times better for a few hours. Oh the chocolatey, nutty goodness! It was really good and it did encourage me to buy some cheating items at the store today because everyone deserves to cheat a little. I got Ciao Bella Mango Sorbet and Jamba Juice Frozen Yogurt Bars. Move over Skinny Cows! You've got some competition!

Hank and I drove to the dog park today because I wasn't feeling up to a long walk. We saved a lost dog, played with a Vizla and English Setter, and we both chased after many forgotten tennis balls. I'm not a professional dog trainer but I am a well educated amateur who has done a good job with a dog. I hate it when people give their unsolicited two cents about me and my dog when they can't even get their dog to come when called. The Vizla and Setter were great playmates for Hank but their owners are not likely to be friends of mine anytime soon. Oh well, I'm not likely to see them again so we'll be OK.

 It felt really good to move around but now I'm really tired and I'm definitely taking it easy the rest of the weekend. Long bubble bath and reading in bed are in my immediate future!

Setting a time limit...

I've read two books in two days and I've completely put sleep on the back burner so this post is actually going to be really short. I haven't been feeling well all day today which comes from a lack of sleep and an allergic type reaction to some flowers a coworker got for Valentine's Day. By the way, I'm not supposed to mention that my husband gave me my gift today while standing in a towel. Oops... mentioned it! I got over the ear headphones and an armband for my phone. It made me "OMG" because that means he really listens to me... guess I need to cut back on snarky comments. :)

Workouts last night and tonight have been difficult. I don't have energy and the hour drags on and on and on and on and on.... and on. A lot of the issue is our trainer who is with us on Mondays and Tuesdays is just, blah. He doesn't actively engage in the exercises, he changes the names of the moves even though they stay the same, he checks himself out in the mirror, he plays with his phone, and he doesn't tell us we're doing a good job until after we walk out the door for the night. It's a drag. Our trainer on Thursdays is awesome and he's supposed to be our trainer all the time and I totally feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick. I'm thinking about changing times to the morning class because I can't keep dreading the class and trying to come up with excuses not to go. (See: A Woman's Week at the Gym) I made a goal for myself this week to hold an unmodified plank for at least 20 seconds before switching to modified. Next week's goal will be 30 seconds. I did really well tonight and made it 25 seconds!

I've also had to fight off coworkers with a stick lately. I work in an environment where food and sharing food is a huge part of the building's culture. This means holiday potlucks and birthday cakes. Well, Valentine's Day supposedly deserves a potluck and I supposedly had to sign up to participate. I avoided it and dodged it pretty well until yesterday and when I was finally hunted down, I stood firm and said, "Nope." Needless to say, there are a couple people who won't be talking to me for a couple of days because I refused to sign up to bring avocado dip. Not to mention, I didn't eat any of the food.

Anyway, I do really need to put my computer and my Kindle out of sight and out of mind and just go to sleep.

Spilling coffee on my lap definitely wakes me up faster than drinking it...

I'm sitting here, enjoying my pre-work morning routine and wishing I had one more day of the weekend. I'm not lucky enough to have the day off today but if I did, I would curl up, listen to the rain, and read another book. Even though I woke up early enough to do the things I planned this morning (run to dog park and back), it was pouring down rain and the dog is still sleeping. Guess yesterday finally wore him out! So blog typing and food prepping it is!

Despite my desire to sit on the couch all day yesterday, I actually spent some time being productive. Hank and I went on a 4 mile adventure with a dog park visit somewhere in the middle. The dog park is a great spot because he can drink water (and pee and poop) and I can do some much needed stretching. Of course, if I start moving weird or doing something out of the norm, Hank gets really excited and tries to trip me. I wasn't very appreciative of his tripping efforts yesterday mainly because he succeeded. My pride is hurt more than anything but it actually brought on some raging pain in my lower back. I've been on the brink of having back pain for a few days now and it's finally manifested itself though I'm feeling much better today.

I also drove 30 minutes to deliver a drill to my husband that he ended up not needing at all. He realized that he didn't need it the moment I pulled up to make the delivery. Good thing I brought the dog and had some old friends for us to visit, otherwise it would have been a wasted trip. Seeing our old friends and their kids made me really want children of my own. It's not that I haven't had that inkling before, it's just that it was much stronger yesterday than it has been in a long time. We all had a lot of fun rolling in the lawn with Hank, laughing and getting plenty of dog kisses.

Aside from the productivity and athletic endeavors, I finished a book (A Discovery of Witches) and my husband took me out to dinner. The other day he asked me what I wanted to do for Valentine's Day. My response was, "Let's go crazy. (insert a look from him that is worried, reluctant but mixed with a little bit of excitment) I will skip workouts and you can make me a burger." He looked really relieved and just laughed and told me he would have two burgers. But anyway, kind of a pre valentine's day cheat, we went to a local Mexican restaurant where I was supposed to splurge but could only finish half my meal. I got Shrimp Fajitas that were really tasty and came with a TON of veggies (steamed and grilled). When I looked down and realized I got four tortillas and only ate two, I was silently rejoicing but I really wanted to stand up and yell, "I defeated you, Mexican restaurant! I only ate 5 tortilla chips and half my meal! MUAHAHAHA *cough* HAHAHA!! And YES, I will take a to go box!"

Grapevines on the way home from athletic endeavors.