A day to remember...

A year ago, the world lost a wonderful man named Dan Ryan and he just happened to be my grandpa, my Bapa. In the wake of his sudden passing, I dealt with my grief by writing letters to him because it was all I was able to do. I decided that instead of writing about my weight loss and fitness today, I would share my latest letter.

Dear Bapa,

            It’s been a year since that awful Saturday morning and I still feel like we just lost you. This year has been filled with so many firsts and what makes it worse is that we were never aware that we missed the opportunity to make the most of our lasts. First set of Holidays, Birthdays, and Anniversaries without you. It was the first time that you didn’t get your Christmas present a week in advance only so that you could play with it enough to amaze us with your tech skills on Christmas Eve. The first time I’ve sent a happy news email without sending it to you as well. Of course, it wasn’t for lack of trying since your email address ended up in the “send to” area before I could consciously remember that you wouldn’t ever get a chance to read it. I was just wishing that I could get an email response signed, “Enjoy your life together”.

            Sometimes when the weather isn’t seasonal, I imagine that you are sending us a gift. Warmth on a foggy day, rain to wash away our tears, a cool breeze on an otherwise unrelenting summer day, or a beautiful sunrise that breaks away the clouds. I was once told that God is everywhere and in everything. Forget God, you are there in everything. You are in every note of music and in every creative thought. You are there when I let myself beg for a miracle from heaven, it makes more sense to ask you than to ask God himself. You are there when I drift between being awake and being in a beautiful dream.

            It would sound strange to anyone else, but sometimes I think I see Tucker in Hank’s eyes. In his devotion, in his apparent love for everyone, and in his demeanor all I can see is Tucker. I hope that someday, I see you in someone else like the way you silently flicked your shirt when you were upset and the particular spark in your eye when you were talking about something you were passionate about. I know each of us carries parts of you within ourselves whether it is in personality or appearance. I can’t remember a time that I’ve ever backed down when I believe in something and that is a trait that I know has been passed down through all of us by you. I’ve felt a nagging lately that there is something out there meant for me to overcome and to fight for and I know when it materializes, that your touch will be all over it and maybe the sound of a trumpet will be hanging in the air.

            I know that you’ve never left us in spirit but not having you here in body is one of the hardest things we’ve faced as a family. It hasn’t been and never will be the same facing life without you there but with you in Heaven, I can certainly say it is truly a wonderful, wonderful world.